He probably didnt even know all of my girls names. I was startled by the dream I had about him that happened on the eve of his death. Cheated on my mum. His first relationship failed and then he started another and moved to a different part of the country near my sister. He didnt see me get married, hes never met his grandchildren, he changed his number when I tried to reach out and now I believe he has changed his name. I hope you are able to find peace xx. A vacation with the family can be more stressful than fun when everyone is crammed in a tiny hotel room. Start Fresh. There is a charity called Stand Alone in the U.K. for those who want to get in touch with a counsellor or attend a therapeutic workshop. Indeed not only was I without a father but also grandparents. Kerry your story really resonates with me. Despite not actually knowing the person that well your feelings, whatever they are, are still valid. The generous soul of nature & the comforting arm of night. The letter mentioned his other children and who we should contact for more info. I still resent not having that relationship, one that I think we all deserve really. I therefore have very little from my childhood. My Dad left when I was 2. I went early that morning and just sat with him. YOU are incredible. death of an estranged father poem. Thank you. I hope you are able to find peace x. T he one person I could always take my troubles to. Everyone has the right to grieve a relationship, no matter the type of relationship. Like so many I need it to be validated, I would also warn anyone to try to handle anything they need done while they can, for their own sake as it is only us left holding the pain after trying to be brave/ strong and unemotional towards estranged parent for so long. Sonnet 37: As a decrepit father takes delight by William Shakespeare. People went to the funerals, sent flowers. Even though it was all my emotion, it was mediocrity. In my case I feel I was not grieving for the dead parent, but for that little bit of hope that died with them. This is the first mention Ive ever seen on this topic, and I read it with interest. I just learned that my estranged father has died, I am not doing ok. My kids and I decorated his fresh mound of dirt with flowers and then my husband took them to the car while I sat and talked with him. I hear my son ask often why wasnt dad a typical father? As if it was a given. lived in the body of a 90 year old. I also felt pissed that she had not prepared or seen coming that really, as an estranged parent it was only ever going to go this way and eventually someone would die first. I know putting the space between us was the right choice for me. In the instance of estrangement, because the relationship was so strained, sadness may not be one of the emotions that immediately comes to the front. I tried to reach out to him about 2 years ago and I had no reply. Erica x. I know its not my fault but I feel so much guilt. Truly. There were times he would call my mom around the holidays and say he was sorry for what he had done and the pain he had caused. And thats the last time I saw him. The death provides an unsettling closure to a relationship that did not turn out according to hopes and dreams and plans. And I even find myself acting the very same way" Keith Urban says his late dad Robert, who died in 2015, inspired his career in country music. I dont judge those friends, because I didnt knew this is how grieving an estranged parent looks like, it was a surprise for me too and I had to research after my neighbor made me accept my grieving. The most unexpected feelings emerge at the news of a loved-ones death. I dont know perhaps it was always my mother who wanted kids and he just went along with it and his childhood disrupted by war and 6 years away perhaps at 13 he thought I was old enough to basically suck it up. I was bullied when I was in school for not having a father, which seem ridiculous by todays standards, but I am 50 now so back then it wasnt so prevalent. My brother his wife, my nephew my two half sisters their partners and his brothers and sisters where all there at his passing. He had been feeling bad but didnt have health insurance or a way to get to the doctor. The speaker sits on the deathbed of his dad and asks him to fight for life. Do you know what had the most sting? On the other hand, if they are relatives, and you may be concerned about how this passing affects them. I walked out, got in the car and wasnt spoken to at all. Since, he never told the nursing home to contact me and never listed me as a KIN ill never really know the true reason for his passing. I feel guilty for feeling sad. That sounds awful, it wasnt a lack of support as such, more not realising that support was needed. I was already moved out of the house chasing my dreams in Los Angeles. My brother was the only one who kept in touch with my father so if he had died I doubt I would find out now anyway. While every estranged relationship is complex, it is important to be prepared to start fresh when reuniting. And I found this article, which perfectly expresses what is happening for me too. Whatever negative experiences might have occurred have probably changed him as well. It was a hard decision and one I have regretted on occasion since his death but I made it for the right reasons. I know that I tried everything I could, it was him who didnt want to be in our lives. ?. What Can You Do When an Estranged Parent Dies? I did not call him for 8 years. In the instance of estrangement, because the relationship was so strained, sadness may not be one of the emotions that immediately comes to the front. I think the consequences of my mothers death and my fathers actions did lead to the breakup of our family in the end completely but Im not to blame for that its just life. My paternal grandparents (Granny and Papa) lived on the same dirt road, and I really, really loved those grandparents. Then he went in the army and found himself at the other end of the country where he remarried 6 years after leaving me. I think most people think of it as by my choice but the reality is he had made no effort to reconnect since i was sent a present by him on my 21st birthday, nearly 30 years ago. The difference between our stories is that I actually had memories of my father and myself being close. My father and I last spoke harsh words to each other and never made amends before he died. The day before Xmas Eve. Thank for you posting this. Look deep in your heart; it is there at the bottom. Since the other children were older (the closest one to me was twelve when I came along), I was kind of like an only child, I guess you could say. I craved his love my whole life. Thanks Heidi, I agree everyone should be able to grieve and I hope your son is able to understand the circumstances of his relationship with his father. So subsequently I had lost both my parents. We maintained contact but he never acknowledged a birthday or Christmas for me or any of my siblings, or paid maintenance. Im writing about this because parents die and when they do, its extremely hard. floor she is tall slender with long dark brown hair in ponytail pointed nose wide mouth innocent face she confides her estranged father is famous Chicago mobster Odysseus recognizes his name they . Its an unusual set of emotions x, Im so sorry this is such a difficult situation. Xx, Im so sorry for your loss, Dana. Like most of the ppl in this comment section I hadnt had a relationship with my dad since he left when I was 6. I walk in and see him on the ventilator and see the family that I havent seen since I was probably 10 years old. Ive been going through exactly this. He has a new life with a new partner and her children and wants to forget the life he had before. In thinking about the possibility of his death, I knew that it could possibly bring up some old feelings, there was a risk of regret though i didnt believe that would be the case for me. But for me, I'm not grieving because he's no longer here. He had 5 children with her and when my mom finally stood up for herself and left him, he moved to the other side of the country, I was 7. As I was driving there all I could think about was how he messaged me the night before and told me that he loved me and wanted me to go to church with him one Sunday. COVID-19 Loss, Grief & Gatherings During the Holiday Season, Post COVID-19 Planning a Funeral: New Normal, Viewneral Collaborative and Interactive Virtual Funerals, Virtual Funerals: How to Attend as a Guest, Guidance for Speakers at a Virtual Funeral Service, Virtual Memorial Gatherings: How to Attend, What To-Do Immediately After Someone Dies, Important Actions to Take Prior to the Funeral, The Necessary End-of-Life Legal & Financial Actions, Funeral Rule: Guidelines Governing Funeral Pricing, How to Budget for a Funeral and Understanding the Costs, Grieving Death Following a Long-term Illness, Understanding The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons), Protestant Christianity: Funeral & Burial Customs, Protestant Christianity: Periods of Mourning, Protestant Christianity: Visiting the Cemetery, Protestant Christianity: What to Bring or Send, Managing Employees During a Time of Grief, Loss, Grief and Gatherings During the Holiday Season, Appropriate Sympathy Gifts for Colleagues, Viewneral Collaborative and Interactive Virtual Funerals, Post COVID-19 Guide on Food Safety at Wakes and Memorial Gatherings, A New Grief: Staying Connected to Help During COVID-19 Coronavirus. Knowing that fact released me from regret and guilt about what did or did not occur before he died. I appreciate you. He may look at himself and have a new awareness that his body will not last forever. There are many ways to express difficult relationships while keeping the eulogy upbeat and respectful. I was not, I assume, because I did not. I am so sorry. Because it most certainly is not. Tried everything for his approval and seven years ago he hurt me beyond my wildest dreams and I closed the door on him forever. I was only 3 when he left so Im told then my mother stopped him from seeing me when he tried to snatch me from my home a number of times. There may not be a longing for things to change, but there is a feeling of melancholy that things were not different. Its so permanent. Your article hits the nail on the head and Im grateful youve put my feelings into words. The more normal life goes on, the more the distance becomes greater than just physical miles. I didnt feel grief when I heard the news but I think I feel robbed of ever having closure. I had received a message on Facebook stating that he had had a massive stroke and was in ICU and that it didnt look good for him. I appreciate that you shared your story as I feel less of a fraud being so sad for someone I dont really know. I felt hurt for my mum as well. And I know the comment has already been made about feeling conflicted about whether or not I even deserved to feel that sadness. Thank you. When my parents were married, my mom already had two kids (my sisters) and my dad had one (my brother). . A childs attachments are formed within the first year or so with the pivotal period being at nine months. I just know that one day they were divorced. I had a relationship with my father until I was 28. They might not understand but you can explain and they can listen. 18 years has passed and I knew he was ill, but finding out hed died alone (also from covid) and been cremated without ceremony 7 weeks earlier cut much more deeply than Id have imagined. I didnt have a relationship with him anyway, so what? You will meet again someday. Reading your story brought tears to my eyes. Youre right about the cards. However I had 2 friends in particular who intuitively understood and showed me so much compassion for which Im forever great full. It is almost as if you dont deserve to grieve. The ramifications for children who are adopted even at a very young age are huge. His wife contacted my brother & I to tell us of his diagnosis. I struggled and had many failed relationships. My husband also was abusive, and I blamed my father for not making me stronger, for me to actually think that anger and abuse was ok in a marriage, (I have since left my husband)I hated my father and yet I am so distraught by his death. Because, I have an amazing father and here I was/am mourning a horrible person who never did any better for himself and died a death no one should. The man deserved the utmost respect. One weekend, he picked me up from my sisters house. I think how can this man my mother loved be like this when she was so kind and good and caring . Im so sorry for what happened to you, you are not alone. I thought surely no one could possibly understand what Im feeling until I stumbled upon this tonight. It is irrelevant how much money our Dad made. We visited a few times over his last days, but in the end I still dont feel like I got the resolution I longed for. And as one to set those feelings aside, Im regretting that. It only went downhill from there. He pushed all of us away because he couldnt stop using drugs. Reading this blog and reading the post on this post has helped so much! The way their skin felt, the smell of their hair. After a few years he stopped reaching out, and we learned he was living in a trailer on a family members piece of land. Its complicated, we become estranged because their behaviour is so hurtful, but we still hold onto a tiny little hope that one day they will contact us and say Sorry, and when they die that little bit of hope is extinguished. I am contesting his will. I asked for the past to be kept in the past but it was brought up time and time again. I will never know why he behaved the way he did. Your words helped me more then you know. Not matter how strong the person is they need you now more than ever before. I did feel like people around me just expected me to get over it and move on and that is not possible. Sadness is just one of many emotions that are experienced during the grieving process. I was contacted, as the only next of kin, and tried to have a relationship with him for the next 2.5 yrs. Thanks Karen, there are so many similar stories to ours. Interest due to the fact I know 1 day I will also face going through this as I am estranged from both my Mother and my Father. Whether it is for yourself or for a friend who has to make a touching speech at a funeral, these short poems will help you relate to the inner feelings . Hi Lorraine NO. I am living this situation right now and trying to figure what to do next! Thank you so much for this post Erica! Caroline (now 11) was a year old at the time. It comes in waves when you least expect it. My father was adopted, this was used by him as an excuse for many of his failings. As I continue to work through this grief, I am finding it increasingly difficult to find someone who understands my perspective. Unconditional love is never forgotten. We grieve at the loss of a part of our heritage. He caused my mum a lot of grief before they divorced and she ended up having a nervous break down. But I maintained a friendly relationship with him, he was funny and clever and we were mates. What I wasnt expecting was how this would rip open the wounds I thought had healed, and bring back so much of the anger I thought I had made peace with. They literally have not spoken to me about it at all. My father died on April 14, 2020. But again, at least I dont have to wake up wondering if today would be the day. I didnt see my father when I was growing up, after the age of about 9. I still occasionally reach out to them, but, for the most part, I sit back and leave my door open to them, if they choose to show up. I learned of my fathers passing late last night, funeral this morning. There are a number of different attachment styles and it baffles me that more is not known about this. And we cried. Im guessing he was. Sporadically he was in my life but he never really got me and I didnt get him. I was shocked that I needed support and very fortunate to have it. I feel a bit robbed of those things but appreciate the fact that I had an awesome mum who made up for the lack of decent father. But oddly there is also an element of relief like this is the last time he will leave me. I read this post with interest, as I was estranged from my mother when she died, and have been estranged from my father for decades. I am married but no children . Id already been through the grief process with him. And that is pretty sucky because he sure did miss out on some really great kids. I know I need to mourn. It would be good to know if there are any support groups out there for people going through this. I came to that difficult decision, that I simply couldnt heal and have half a chance at being happy, with him in my life. I am appreciative that you shared it, Ive spent 2years not feelings validated while being confused. There are no cards for Sorry your absent parent died. I would still call him on his birthday, although his calls and cards to me had stopped years before. I occasionally felt a wave of guilt and would call or invite him to my girls birthdays. Grieving any death is a very personal, unique expression. The last time I saw my dad, he implied that he was in a sensitive relationship and that it would be best if we didnt spend time together. I didnt feel anything. I have been struggling that my sadness and confusion has not been valid and that my anger is down to resentfulness towards other relatives re: his Will. All Rights Reserved. Its hard to mull over. All Id ever really wanted to hear was Im sorry. Prior to the death of my absent father I have to admit I was the same. Being able to see my Great Aunt Addie, watching her quilt, and hearing my Granny ring that dinner bell in the front yard. Thank you for putting into words something that is probably more common than I realised! I have fewer and fewer. I just learned of my estranged Fathers death yesterday. Did you attend the funeral? Things are about to get really honest, personal and intense. I couldnt tell my siblings how I was feeling, because he was not a good dad with us, but I was the most invisible child of all, they had each other growing up, I met them at 22 when I decided I wanted to meet them because he didnt even introduced me to my 7 siblings, actually that day I discovered baby No. 2. No one understands how I feel. He barely kept in contact over the years, it has been 25 years since we all separated. A divorce causes the parents to separate and new opportunities create a move. I always loved him, much as his capacity to hurt me scared me. Though we might expect to feel relief that an estranged parent is no longer a part of our lives, it is far more common to find that the death affects us intensely on several unexpected levels. I did confront him and did try to have him in my life but I simply couldnt. Although my dad worked a lot, I remember learning how to shoot a BB gun and swing on a rope across the ravine but mostly I remember him drinking too much. I was actually startled by the news. Its not grieving losing a father from now on, its grieving a father I never had, grieving a father I will never had. My estranged father died a few weeks ago and the unexpected emotions and feelings Ive endured have been all over the place. At least Im a good cook and my wife appreciates that I do housework well and without being asked! I felt guilty for accepting sympathy from someone who was grieving their REAL parent, but I shouldnt have. (1312 5 ) Two Poemson Father/Son Emotional Bond. Wrongs may have been committed that cannot be properly forgiven because of the death. Thanks for sharing this. F amily man, first and foremost. Thank you for this! He was never violent or abusive he just didnt care it seems. Not because there was ever anything wrong at my own house, but because they had little kids and I just adored them and being around them. It seems that this is more common than I realised when I wrote the post. I am pretty much in the same boat as all the ladies who have expressed what they have gone through. My dad passed away recently but for the past 10 plus years or so, weve not had a very good relationship and hadnt spoken on the phone for nearly 6 months when I received a call to say he had passed. My stepdad hung on to my stuff for me until I returned a few years later. They married and we were a family of 4 again this time with a good man who wanted to be there. And ill try and be more accepting of people offering their condolences, instead of keeping on minimising the occasion because i dont feel that i deserve condolences. I did not lose someone I spoke to every day. When someone loses an estranged parent through death, there may or may not be a huge need for support from family and friends. At this point in my life, I have really weird emotions coming at me. The news of the death of an estranged parent is something I found very hard to process and grieving the death of an estranged parent is very different to the loss of a present parent. The loss of what could of been is breaking my heart as much as my fathers passing. Search your memory for the good things about the deceased parent. This poem is perfect for a funeral service because it shows that even after our Father has passed away, we will keep him in our hearts and memory forever. I havent seen my father for 30 years now I know he was alive 2 years ago when my brother died but since then I dont know. Hi Erica, Here are some examples of how a eulogy from a friend might read. Its a shame Im not the only one in this position but knowing its helping others makes it worthwhile. Next, download our How to write a eulogy in 7 steps template in WORD or PDF. My dad barely made an effort to see me and then once he met his new wife and had a new family I was forgotten. After meeting him as an adult I realised I wasnt to blame. I need this today! As a guy, it adds another layer of complexity because men showing signs of grief and sadness is considered weak. When I learned all this I was mortified. Bee, I cannot say that I have been the estranged child, but I can speak from the estranged parent standpoint. We have had a very complicated and tense relationship and havent spoke in a long time. I have felt not entitled to grieve but I am. My estranged father died in February and today is his birthday. You cannot force someone to love you, not even your own parent. is wearing a bolo tie cultural appropriation. I stayed with my mom (who is the best mom ever) and my father moved to a town about an hour away. Its been a difficult path to walk and I felt like not many people could understand why I was so upset. What I do often wonder, though, is how he left me and subsequently started another family that he was able to attach to? We hadnt spoken in about 15 years and the only reason I found out he died was because I had a strange dream about him which prompted me to do a fb search into some of his relatives pages. But I am so appreciative that this came to me today. Ive considered stopping contact completely but have always stopped short because I worry Ill regret it when hes gone. It was a startling discovery to find that I had never forgotten that I had loved him at one time very very much. My Father by Yehuda Amichai. The custodial parent can influence the childs perception of the divorce and non-custodial parents love and affection for the children. As I said I would probably have been the same before experiencing it for myself. He had a wife and 3 children and I do miss them as I do my sisters 2 children. She let me sort my feelings out on my own. He certainly didnt know what they looked like. By his own doing. Although my father was an addict as an adult I wanted a relationship with him but it never worked out. The responsibility fell upon me to arrange everything and it was just such a strange experience, I didnt feel like I was worthy of peoples sympathies because I didnt feel that devastating sense of loss. Even though the relationship with the parent had been strained at best, the death involves someone who is a part of your lineage. As sunset's orange magnificence cast a loving shadow On her, I hold out Hoping for some sort of amends, A reconciliation. Thank you for this. X. I was 2 when my parents divorced, was kept from him, then I sought him out when I was 18. Estranged poetry: Estranged poetry: . Things I knew were not true, things that did not add up. No one thought to tell me. Through all of this, my mom never said a bad word about him. I know that one day I will be in your position, and I already find myself wondering if I could have done more or if I should but ultimately I dont think any child should have to ask their parent to want to care about them. Because of that, the visits were skipped altogether. We have been estranged for many years as I felt so angry with him for never being there or paying child maintenance. Where is the trust and the love? Gather a family member or close friend and have a private time, memorializing the better moments of your lives and honoring the death. After a few years they became estranged as did I from my 2 brothers and sister in the end for various reasons. I reconnected with him at 18; on-off, and then again connected at the age of 40. It was upsetting but Im so upset that his younger children were mentioned in his eulogy but not me. He made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with me. He roughly said, Get out and come on. When my sister opened the door he said, I dont want her. I have to say that what he did ruined my life. Although I made the decision I needed to, Ive had many moments since where I just felt incredible sadness that I had lost out on having a healthy dad who didnt betray me. Hes aged so much and he looks so frail, the thing is, as callous as this sounds, I have never cared if he was alive or dead. But he was mentally ill and told me to sod off in no uncertain terms one day, meaning I cried for three days straight. So I turned to Google to see if there would be any information on how to make sense of it all or at least validate what the heck is going on in my head. These poems about death may help you reconcile a tragic and sudden loss. The truth is that those we love are never truly gone. His mother my nana was a very cold person herself and I think treated him badly as a child I found out recently she must have been 6 months pregnant with him when she married in 1931 so perhaps it was an unhappy thing for her. Every time Id reached out previously there was always someone to blame. I was constantly being told how to feel and how to react by family members when I wasnt even sure how I felt about everything as I was so focused on planning the funerals I havent really been able to talk properly with others about it because I dont feel they would understand. Probably the most important thing that you can do in expressing condolences for yourself and your family is to forget the past. I feel underapreciated and I have nothing else to say. I came across your post I am But, I know there are many others out there who have very limited support and understanding to go through the unexpected shock and grieving process. Guilty that I was disrespecting my dad and how dare i? I felt I couldnt move on as long as he was in my life, however intermittent. This first funeral poem celebrates kind, loving and supportive Fathers. So perhaps my father was a bit damaged by his own childhood I dont know as I have never really spoke to him about any of this. Ive gone through sadness, anger, guilt and cavernous loss. I was used to this man walking out in me. He was never going to be the Dad I wanted or needed him to be. , although his calls and cards to me today this man walking out in me about... I hope you are not alone to every day hour away were mentioned in eulogy... Troubles to and when they do, its extremely hard not be a huge need for support from and. 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